Nah, that's not the right word for it. It implies that I expected better. Which I didn't. Obviously.
Sorrow's the wrong word too. It's too emo. Loneliness isn't right either. I've always been lonely. Somehow it's more comfortable.
Even when with my best friends, after about 8 hours I NEED to get away. To fart, and strip down to my boxers and lay down on my bed and play with my xbox. Not being alone has too many opportunity costs. Solitude is underpriced. Everyone talks about the importance of being social without realizing the silliness of it all.
What's it all about, this 'being social'? Sure, there's jokes. And booze. And group fun.
But it's just those 3 that hold it all together. Otherwise it's just a whole lot of "I'm better than that guy" or "look at my shiny new toy, it's better than yours".
Thankfully, the jokes, booze and group fun more than compensate for the ego battle.
What was I on about? Oh, yes.
It's not loneliness. We die alone.
It's not mistrust. I only trust myself to do the right thing. All the time. Because in my self obsessed mind, I've never failed. Sure, I've failed tests and exams plenty. But life decisions have always been... good. Even if I suddenly realize I could have done better if I had spent an hour thinking it through, I always scrape through. For that reason, I've never been in a fight, never made an enemy of anyone I've met, never harbored hatred for more than half a day. I'm not perfect, obviously. I've got the worst of both worlds. The attitude of your typical lazy Malaysian and the pride of a German. To the people who know me best, I come off as a person who could epicly pwn if wasn't the mascot for the sin of sloth.
Betrayal? Can't be. This was meant to happen.
Maybe the problem is I've finally found something that I really don't understand and I'm still trying to put it into words.
Ah, I just realized what it feels like.
It's like losing your internet connection.
First you check if the cable's connected. Then you turn the modem on and off. Then the router. Then both. Then you dismantle the whole network connection from phone line to network card and reassemble it only to find you've broken the modem while reassembling it. Then you spend the whole night looking through the cupboards for a spare modem and find nothing.
The rest of the night is spent trying to steal the wifi connection from next door, suddenly trying to make peace with God in an effort to make things work. At last, at 5 am, convinced the internet isn't coming back you go to sleep.
Now, that's all fine, because usually, the next morning something amazing happens and the internet's back on again. My problem is, I'm stuck at 4.59 am. That feeling between giving up and staying up to try again. It's not the internet's fault. I should have turned the modem off when I heard the storm coming. I meant to. But I'm just lazily stupid that way.
In unrelated news, Alan Wake. The game no one has heard about and I've been waiting for for about 5 years is finally out. And it's scary. As Hell.
Dead Space was scary because the monsters genuinely looked eerie. All blood and guts.
And your character was in a mining suit. Not a military suit.
And your weapons were all useless when used conventionally.
And the music and sound was terrifying.
Alan Wake does have some of that.
Your character is a horror writer, like Stephen King.
His main weapon. Is a flashlight. The guns are useless unless used with a flashlight.
And the music is terrifying.
But the monsters aren't. They're just people who're corrupted with darkness. Pretty unscary.
I'll tell you WHY it's scary though.
It's scary because it's so well paced. The game plays out like a tv series. Each chapter begins with "Previously, on Alan Wake", then a highlight reel from the last mission.
And because the characters are so believable, it draws you in more than Dead Space.
But really, the main star is the flashlight, and the scare effect it gives.
You'll have the flashlight on hand everytime it gets dark, and it's so well done, that just the flashlight alone changes the entire atmosphere of the game.Play this game.
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