Isn't it time for MY pound of flesh?

Duty is important. I think I learnt it the easy, slow way, the way I learn most things. By all means, question duty, but not the way a kid asks why he has to eat his vegetables. Sometimes when I'm in the middle of my nightly routine, I ask myself, "Is this really necessary? Is this really what I want?". The answer is sometimes "yes". It never lingers to a "no", but it sometimes treads dangerously close.

When I was a student at college months ago, I did my duty wholeheartedly. I found friends and enjoyed my time there. I took chances and tried not to be my usual fussy self when asked to perform, host or help out with extracurricular activities. The reason I did this was not because I wanted to, but because I was duty-bound. It was my duty to enjoy it, otherwise I would have looked back and found someone to blame for a boring year. It was also my duty to study, because my parents invested a great deal of money in my education. And so I studied, and enjoyed studying. So that there would be no blame for failure or boredom.

Sometimes I get confused. I know that I do not know what my heart wants. I can only guess if my choices are all bound by my duty as a friend, son, brother, student or blogger or if I make some of them without thinking of consequence.

For now, consequence must be my determinant. Whenever I make a good choice, it is one that I've made because I was duty bound. The bad choices are all linked to my gut feeling.

My heart says do one thing but my head says don't be stupid.

Just this week I've made some very important decisions.

Most of the time, my head is right. I didn't want to go jamming today because I was convinced that it wasn't worth the effort.

But being tied to the duties of a friend meant that I had to go. And I ended up enjoying it thoroughly.

Just a sidenote--

I know I've talked about choices being silly misconceptions of what really goes on in our mind in an objective sense, but there's a difference. I'm talking about the consequences of my actions that somehow seem malleable, like there was an actual choice involved. It's science. And this blog is no place for scientific explanation.

Ugh, I hate talking like I know what I'm talking about sometimes. It's so much more enjoyable if there's actually someone reading or listening.

In short, I do regret that some non-choices have been made and that I sometimes have too little influence over the people who make me who I am. It's as if I'm being shaped by my inability to shape others. Hopefully, a new city will solve this.

Also, I am very tired of being duty bound. I don't get what I want because it's the noble thing to do. My brain says shut up, but my heart says speak up.

Where's my beer goddammit