I'm very out of touch with all of this. With writing, with taking pictures, with socializing, with creating pseudo-art and pseudo-jokes and pseudo-philosophy.
I don't know when I began to lose touch. Sometimes I look at the distance, both the quality and the time between blog posts, between tank models, between proper friends, between projects and try not to feel bad about it.
It's almost as if I feel either fear or deflective boredom instead of guilt.
"That's ok, it's not my fault I'm talentless, I can try something else sometime else"
I often tell myself that I'm good enough for just about everything because I don't have to try. I'm very good at excuses, did I mention that?
I am.
My latest excuse is this town. I was going to dedicate an entire blog post to this town, and how it's too comfortable to encourage any sort of competitive behavior. Everyone in Johor Bahru is happy with the same old routine, so that must be why I'm so lousy at a lot of things I feel I should be good at.
Mind you, that's not so far from the truth. The most successful people in Johor Bahru are the most generic. Factory and shop owners, lawyers, and the older generation that pushed the town into modernization before slipping into this comatose state.
But that's not the reason I'm stuck in a rut. I don't want to try and understand the origin of the problem, lest I pinpoint something and/or run the risk of creeping determinism.
For now I think the best thing for me to do is be prepared for commitment to my course at Monash.
Oh yeah, I haven't explained my plan yet. Here it goes.
I'm doing IT at Monash KL, that much I'm sure you know.
My plan is to keep the hell away from the business side of IT. God knows too many IT students end up with a 9-5 job involving doing something mundane.(don't worry, I'll explain my back-up plan in case that ends up being me)
I'll be concentrating on programing and other technical stuff(which I was quite good at college level at least).
Here's the silly bit. My entire decision on doing IT is based around the notion that I will do well.
Because IF, IF I do well, I have a very real chance of transferring out to Melbourne for my 2nd and 3rd years to major in game development.
Yup, silly isn't it? I'm having second thoughts. But without anyone giving me real advice other than "that's a good choice" or "follow your heart", it looks like the only real way.
It's not too late to change though! I've still got 2 weeks before I sign up for the course(I've got the offer letter in hand already).
The real alternatives(in descending order of how much sense it makes for me to be do it instead)
1)Law at either Taylor's or Brickfields Asia College
-I wouldn't mind doing Law, except I'm just underqualified to do it at a notable university AND according to most people in Malaysia, there's an oversupply of lawyers. Especially Indian lawyers. Also, I've had a glimpse of the business world and the world in with young Malaysian lawyers work and live in nowadays, and I absolutely hate it. It's not what I want to do when I grow up.
2)Arts in Monash South Africa/Monash KL
-I was quite certain this was the course for me, but my parents don't think South Africa is a very stable country. Despite being nearly half price(in terms of fees), there's probably going to be a lot of money wasted on surviving alone on another continent.
Another major issue was the lack of job opportunities for Arts grads. Its a lot scarier than Law grads, who will at least have people who need their knowledge even when times are bad.
Arts grads generally know a lot about everything, but not enough to be professional at anything.
Psychology, philosophy, writing, journalism, political science. All subjects integral to the arts course and all subjects I would have LOVED to do. But it would have gotten me nowhere. Those fields usually have professionals who are experienced. I think I'm much better off specializing in something.
3)Computer Science
-Computer Science is nothing like IT. It's about the underpinnings of IT. It's basically an offshoot of electrical engineering. It involves math. I don't like math. It's up here because it's more hardcore than IT. If you can do Computer Science, you can do IT, but not the other way round. CS is a much safer path to the game industry than IT, but it's a lot of hard work, and really, if it's all math, I don't want to even try.
So there you have it.
I'll still be trying out weird stuff, writing, making fake art, and doing what I like best for a long time and I sincerely hope that in 10 year's time, granted I live that long, I can say my job doesn't define who I am. And hopefully the people I say that to can believe me.
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