You know something. I haven't had a best friend in nearly 3 years. That's right. The last time I had a best friend was in 2006. I don't know if that should scare or concern me. I remember how I lost that last best friend. I mean, I didn't 'lose' him exactly. We just stopped being so 'tight' I guess.
I had a lot of good friends. And a lot of new friends. And a best friend. And a 3 band mates. In '06.
2006 was a good year.
There was a time I where I could just let a best friend know just about everything. but in '07, I realized that to have the ability to love and respect a friend so much, I had to also have the ability to hate that much. And I did. I hated a few people. Not because of who they were, but what they did.
In '07 I realized to forgive and forget, you had to first have something to forgive. I learned not to place blame. I learned that rules and laws and sins were ideas and not something as rock solid as being responsible for my every action. In '07, I learned that it was better to get what you needed than what you wanted, and to be happy with what you needed at least. I realized there couldn't be such a thing as a best friend. At least not for me. I realized I had a lot of good people around me and NOT how lucky I was to have that sorta company, but how my every action had led to such a company of people being around me. In 07' I learned that you could have every friend you needed and still not need to have love for any of them. I just needed to know the right thing to say and when to not say the wrong thing. Because if I had the capacity to love each and every one of them, I had to also allow myself to hate. And since there wasn't anything around to hate, the only person left was me. And I didn't want to hate myself.
07' was a lonely year
In 08', every wall crumbled for a while. And for a while I needed art to hold me together. But I found something better. I found logic. I found the beauty in winning an argument in my head, and I found satisfaction in being able to convert thought to written word. In 08', I began to ask why and why not. And somewhere in between, I found my answer. And everyday spent living, I chased something I knew would be beyond me. I still had a lot of good friends. And I began to allow myself to love. That meant I began to hate myself too. Even though I loved and hated in equal measure for most of 2008, I always kept my distance. And made sure to always keep in mind how explainable love and hate was. Still, they weren't as ignorable as rules and laws and sins because love and hate weren't ideas. They were rock solid. But even then, I still knew they weren't beyond control.
08' was a distant year, I never FELT my moment, even if the spot light shone on me.
09' feels like a year though it's merely a couple of months old. in 09' I realized that even though love and hate were exploitable, they were sometimes beyond control. In 09' the only person left to blame was me. For everything good and everything sad. 09' is far from over. But if 09' can be this rocky, this up and down in just 2 months, I can't wait to see what's in store.
And hey, this ain't emo. I just couldn't find a place for a post like this in the other 2012 blog. Because i don't write like this in that blog. And I don't write like this here either. And i don't want to start writing like this here. ewwwwwwwwww
